My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
