Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
