god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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