you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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