So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Pants are for mortals
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
