Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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