Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Randomize
