so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you didnt know i had herpes?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
