I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
