i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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