Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
