you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
