My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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