Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
