If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
