I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
