Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
