omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
