Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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