the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
