Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
