So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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