Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
