I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
