White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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