I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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