So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
