Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Apparently you make a good broom.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
