i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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