2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
