walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
