Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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