taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
