if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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