In America we eat man semen.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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