Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
