There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
