Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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