ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Randomize
