I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
