john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
