There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
