If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
