Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
As shirtless as possible
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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