I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
