nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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