i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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