when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
