Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
