I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
