Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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