6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
